The Toilet Paper Hater's Club
by Kawaii Youko
Summary: Pyrotechnics, insanity and our favourite Makaiian youkaiis have returned, and the TPHC is going stronger than ever! After all, who HASN'T experienced the EVILS of toilet paper? Chapter 9 Posted
1. Enter the TPHC

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything; I don't hold any claim to Yu Yu Hakusho, any of the characters mentioned within the story, or any of the random items which seem to appear throughout the story. However, I do stake claim to the "Toilet Paper Hater's Club", since it's my half-baked idea.

**Author's Note:** Okay you guys, listen up! I did create this idea about a year back, and had most it typed out in a script form. I'm just now getting around to writing it into story format. For anyone who likes madness, insanity and a good laugh, read this immediately!

Then, leave me tons of fabulous reviews!

**Chapter I: Enter the TPHC**

"I call the bathroom!"

There was a wild fumbling for keys, as Marori stood on her front porch, doing what is often known as the "Potty Dance". It had been a long car ride home from the restaurant, and the six glasses of iced tea she had gulped down finally seemed to have caught up with her.

"Hurry!" she whined pitifully. "I've _really _gotta go!"

At last, a soft click was heard, signifying that the lock had given way. The door was quickly flung open as the teenage girl lunged headlong into the house, hastily scaling the fleet of carpeted stairs. Turning the corner sharply, the tall brunette halted just outside her bathroom door. A light was visible in the narrow space beneath the door. Normally, she would have assumed that someone was in her bathroom, which would certainly mean death to the guilty party, however, with the sense of desperation mounting ever higher; Marori grasped the doorknob and turned...

Before she was even able to fully open the door, a hand reached out and wrenched her into the small bathroom, slamming the door shut.

"Welcome to our top-secret headquarters!"

The less than spacious bathroom, which had once been decorated with floral borders and portraits of scenery, was now unrecognizable. The mirror was now covered with hundreds of tiny sticky notes, the sink was filled past capacity with paperwork, and the shower curtain had been ripped from the rod, and was now draped about the man who had pulled her inside.

"What's going on here?!" the girl asked, her eyes widening in shock at the sight of her bathroom.

"Prepare to enter the realm of the Toilet Paper Hater's Club!" announced a voice, which bore a close resemblance to that of an incessantly cheerful tour guide. The speaker was a silver haired man, whose head grazed the ceiling. Interestingly enough, he wore nothing, save for the aforementioned shower curtain, which was tied about his lean body as if it were a toga. "Allow myself, and my associate, Hiei, to arrange your initiation to this fine organization!"

A second, much shorter man sat inside the empty bathtub, his black hair flattened unevenly by what appeared to be a hotdog shaped hat.

"Hn. As the Vice President of the Toilet Paper Haters Club, or the TPHC, I feel it is my duty to inform you of its complicated rules and regulations. They are as follows; rule number one: We hate toilet paper, and therefore, so should you. Rule number two: We _really_ hate toilet paper." Pausing momentarily, the black-clad demon glanced at his commander-in-chief. "They really aren't that complicated are they?"

"Never-the-less," the amber eyed youkaii interjected, "those are the rules. If you should fail to live up to our _strict_ expectations, severe consequences will result!"

There was a vehement shout from Hiei, as he jumped to his nimble feet, laughing maniacally. "Yes! Death by _dust bunnies_!"

Nodding fervently and smirking, Yoko Kurama held up a hand. "We have our connections. Now, on to the history of the club! Please fill her in, Jim, since it is your sworn duty as historian!"

Atop the white porcelain toilet, resided a small brown, and rather hairy coconut. A pair of sunglasses was taped to what must have been the "face". The coconut remained absolutely still, never moving in the least.

"Wise words those are!" Hiei praised, falling to his knees and bowing before the coconut.

Acting as the mediator, the toga-wearing fox demon gestured towards Jim. "For those who do not speak fluent Coconian, the majestic language of the coconut, we shall translate."

Again, only silence was emitted from the motionless fruit.

"Jim states that this wonderfully organized organization began as a result of _violent_ attacks by several anonymous rolls of toilet paper."

"I was an innocent victim," simpered Hiei melodramatically. "I was _completely _unsuspecting!"

"And, as it turns out, we have some astounding footage of this grisly incident!"

Puzzled, Hiei watched as his comrade set up a small video projector, turned out the lights, and cued up the film. On the tile wall of the shower, images of _horror_ were visible.

An image of Hiei, who had been chibitized for additional sympathetic support from the masses, sitting on the toilet appeared, his pants around his ankles. A large newspaper was clutched in his unnaturally small hands, the headline reading: ADULT DIAPER SELLS SKYROCKET! While reading the article with peculiar interest, a faint humming of "Yankee Doodle" is heard, as his feet kick idly back and forth.

After several seconds, he reaches out blindly for the toilet paper – and missed. He then fell onto the cold floor, sending the roll of toilet paper flying through the air, and into the toilet. Unexpectedly, the toilet managed to flush itself, pulling Hiei into the toilet.

The film ended, and Hiei switched the lights back on. "I was utterly traumatized after the incident, so I went in search of someone who shared my horrors of toilet paper. By a stroke of fate, I discovered that Yoko Kurama here was beginning an organization to help the under-privileged victims of related toilet paper incidents."

With the conclusion of Hiei's speech, Jim the Coconut rolled slightly to his side, a sympathetic silence filling the air. All this time, Marori had remained silent, struggling between having pity for the creatures, and debating whether they were clinically insane.

"I was also a victim of the toilet paper industry," the kitsune explained, changing reels in the projector, turning off the lights, and pressing play. "I gladly share my story with you to inform you for what can occur in your own bathroom."

In the projection, Yoko Kurama, having just been appointed a muse to an aspiring writer, is seen heading towards the restroom after a long, drawn out game of tag. His mistress, who assumed he was safe on his own, took a seat at her computer.

Suddenly, a yell issued from the bathroom, catching the girl off-guard. Concerned for her muse, she leapt up from her seat, and rushed into the bathroom, her katana drawn. The terrors within would haunt her for several minutes to come.

The tall youkaii lay on the floor, wrapped in a constricting cocoon of soggy toilet paper. His arms and legs were flailing helplessly in attempts to break the steel-like hold. Only after having his mistress cut him free, did he regain partial sanity.

The short film ended, and Yoko Kurama began speaking once again. "I was forced to be sent to the hospital for several lacerations and a concussion. I haven't been the same since."

"I feel you man," Hiei reassured him, nodding empathetically.

"That having happened, I filed a suit against the toilet paper company for harassment. I lost the case after a man carrying a roll to the stand, in order to testify, walked too close and I was forced to be removed from the court room. However, I now aim to inform the general public of the _dangers_ of using toilet paper."

Wordlessly, Jim rolled onto his other side, the sunglasses catching a glare from the lights.

"Now that you know our secrets," Hiei stated, grinning insanely, "you have only two choices. You may join our organization and help to spread the word of the TPHC, or you must be disposed of. It's your choice."

Taken aback, Marori blinked. "I guess I'll have to join."

"Wise choice," agreed Yoko, taking her arm. "Now, we're off to gather our legion of toilet paper hating minions!"

In one flourishing motion, Hiei scooped up Jim the Coconut, grabbed Yoko Kurama's arm, who in turn held Marori's. He then used his impressive speed to dart down the stairs, the others clinging on for dear life, out the door, and down the street. All the time, the two demons were shouting the club motto.

"WE HATE TOILET PAPER! YES WE DO! WE HATE TOILET PAPER! HOW ABOUT YOU? SPARE THE INNOCENT!"

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Chapter Note: Well, ladies and gentlemen, that was the first chapter of "The Toilet Paper Hater's Club". Now, all you have to do is hit the 'Submit Review' button and leave me some comments, if you want to see the rest of the story!

Yu Yu Hakusho © Yoshihiro Togashi

"The Toilet Paper Hater's Club" © Kawaii Youko


	2. Applications and Accusations

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho, Yoko Kurama, Hiei Jaganshi, gas stations, paperwork or Charmin brand toilet paper. I do however own The TPHC, Jim the Coconut, and my version of the Popeye song "Hiei the Sailor Man", since I made it up.

**Author's Note:** First off, I'd like to thank Miyu6, Chrystaline, and Portal-girl for being the first three people to review! I'm immensely glad that you guys consider this revised version to be even better than the original! You guys are so awesome! Chocolate-chip cookies and ice cream to all of my reviewers!

**Chapter II: Applications and Accusations**

"This is getting utterly ridiculous, Hiei. There are only so many times you can go over those bloody applications."

The hour was growing late, as the oddly matched group of creatures sat on the floor of a gas station bathroom, pouring over piles of paperwork. True, it wasn't the most _glamorous _place to hold a meeting even so strange as this, but it was one of the few places _normal_ people didn't dare frequent; secrecy was crucial.

The quickly dissipating air was thick with the smell of greasy bean burritos, and it was more than likely that the bathroom hadn't been cleaned since the turn of the millennium, if not longer than that. In order to prevent any unnecessary 'incidents' involving the tissue-thin toilet paper, it had all been hastily shoved into the toilet, and flushed an inhuman number of times, to no avail.

Growing annoyed, Marori snatched up a file at random and thrust it into the demon's hands. "Okay, what's wrong with this one?"

Hiei glanced over it briefly, gave a curt laugh and shook his head. "This one was once hospitalized for having an irrational fear of furbies, and was finally released when she was caught setting fire to a stack of pillows with a home-made flame thrower..."

"It's not like anyone got _seriously_ hurt."

Both Hiei and Yoko Kurama stared at the girl, as she fidgeted with a strand of her dark brown hair.

"This was _you_?" the kitsune inquired, stealing the unusually thick file from the shorter demon, and thumbing through the pages, his eyes widening freakishly as Marori nodded slowly. The list was extensive – there were scores of accusations, many of which involved pyrotechnics of some bizarre kind. "... Wow."

The green-eyed female retrieved the folder from them, and hurriedly stashed it out of sight, muttering something that sounded peculiarly like 'destroy the evidence'.

"Let's get back to the matter at hand," she suggested hastily, picking up another file and flipping through the sheets.

After what seemed like an eternity, there was a small stack of files which had seemed to have potential member material. Papers were scattered everywhere, some having been shoved into the already overly full toilet, while others were protruding from the garbage can. Yoko Kurama glanced skeptically at the pile, his attention then turning to Hiei.

"That's it?" the toga-wearing youkaii inquired, indicating the tiny stack of paperwork that sat on the tile floor. "Out of the hundreds of applications we went through, only these five were good enough?"

"I have _very _high standards!" the fiery demon objected, gnawing on what appeared to be a pipe that had come loose from the corroded sink...

"But only _five_?"

Growing annoyed, Hiei snatched up a manila file from the mountain of rejected applicants, and read a portion of it aloud. "Just listen to this! 'I honestly bear no grudge towards toilet paper. In fact, I find it useful, but I think if hot guys are involved, especially Yoko Kurama, why not?"

"So what if she only wanted to join because of Yoko Kurama?" Marori questioned, tilting her head slightly to the side. The silver haired boy grinned, flipping his hair from side to side, giving a small chuckle. "What's wrong with it? She said she'd jo –"

"_He_," the haughty teen interrupted, waving the file wildly in the air. "_It's a he!_"

Immediately freezing, the kitsune blinked and a sweat drop rolled down the side of his face. "Come again?"

"A _guy_ wrote the application! Not some fangirl! A FANBOY!" Hiei shouted, flinging the file across the room as though the touch of it burnt his skin. "UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN!"

Yoko Kurama, having just realized what was being said, let out a girlish shriek, and joined Hiei in trying to distance himself as much as possible from the papers. Even Jim, it seemed, was taken aback by this as he rolled towards the two cowering boys. Marori, on the other hand, simply picked up the file and looked for a place to put it. Finally, she placed it in a pile, which through the persistence of the demons, had been labeled 'HOLD THE PICKLES!'.

"Men," she muttered, shaking her head and dialing the first approved applicant's number on a conveniently appearing cell phone. "What babies."

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Chapter Note: Yay! I finished the chapter!

This brief chapter was added to the story in order to clarify how the first group was chosen. The TPHC would like to formally apologize to anyone offended by the unexpected behaviour of two of its members.

Now that you've read the chapter, leave me some reviews if you want the next chapter to be posted!

Yu Yu Hakusho © Yoshihiro Togashi

"The Toilet Paper Hater's Club" © Kawaii Youko


	3. The Lucky Contestants

**Disclaimer:** Obviously I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho, which means I don't own Yoko Kurama, Hiei, Makai, furbies, toilet paper of any kind, cars (though I'd like one!), any brand name of cheese, the "Muffin Man", sweet snow, European people, rhymes, poetry, the saying "my precious", things associated with catch-phrases, anything related to any movie, guns loaded with frozen milk duds, streets, evil children or anything else that actually has an owner! I **do** however lay claim to the TPHC, Jim the Coconut, the Coconian language, the song "Hiei the Sailor Man", the 'Dust Bunnies of Impending Doom', sadly, I created Wipey, the golden toilet paper god and Marori. All characters mentioned within the TPHC are of fictional origin.

**Author's Note: **Finally! An update! It hasn't been _that_ long, you know. Well... maybe a little while...

Thanks to all who reviewed, and to answer Kurama'sFanGirl24's question, Marori would love to help you burn down your school, since I have provided her with a homemade flame thrower just recently. Special thanks go out to Miyu6, Chrystaline and YuYuHakusholover, for having stayed with my story from start to the present. You guys rock! Also, thanks to my friends who've supported the TPHC and my insanity. And Portal-Girl gets props for reviewing all the chapters so quickly!

Did you guys enjoy the last chapter? I sure hope so! I'll keep this brief, so you can continue on, and read the next chapter of the TPHC! And don't forget to review, people!

**Chapter III: The "Lucky" Contestants**

"I could've _sworn_ they said to meet here at eight-thirty!"

The intersection of Delano and Main had never played host to a crowd as odd as the one gathering in the busy juncture point. Six girls, each presenting a wide variety of traits, waited on the corner, several of them shivering as cars speedily whizzed by. One girl, Neko-chan, who stood just over five foot, hung from a section of a lamp-post, her feet dangling limply.

"Ooh, it's going to rain!" Pausing momentarily, the eccentric feline-hybrid broke into raucous song. "Rain drops keep falling on my head, but that don't mean my eyes will soon be turning redddd!"

"I don't think that's rain..." Trinity observed, her face contorting into a grimace.

"... Huh?"

The gaunt brunette pointed up at a pair of adolescent boys who were leaning out an open apartment window, spitting into the street with loud whoops of laughter. Occasionally, they ducked beneath the window sill, attempting to hide their guilty faces from the party of onlookers.

"TWO HUNDRED POINTS IF YOU HIT THE CAT!" one child shouted, preparing to fire.

With those words, spit rained down on the girls, as many of them dodged, trying to avoid being hit. There was a loud squeal of disgust as an unusually large glob of spit landed in the blonde feline's hair. Letting go of the pole immediately, Neko-chan fell to the ground, frantically tossing her head from side to side, and trying to wipe it dry.

"ACK!" she cried, curling into a ball and rocking back and forth. "Unclean... unclean..."

"You little punks!" a saucy violet haired teen shouted, her massive wings beating as she rose into the sky. "I should bring you up a couple stories and see if you go SPLAT!"

Instantaneously, both boys zipped out of sight, as Ame returned to the ground, folding her arms across her chest. Neko-chan was still on the ground, now running her hand over strands of her hair, muttering something that sounded oddly like 'my precious'...

"Temper, temper," drew a sarcastic voice from beneath a shady elm tree.

"Who's there?" a scarlet haired girl asked, using her hand to filter out some of the early morning sun, trying to glimpse the mysterious figure.

"Do you know..." the concealed man began, giving way to a dramatic pause.

"Know? Who?"

"Do you know... _the Muffin Man_?" the speaker elaborated, as a short, black haired man stepped from his hiding place, arms crossed tightly about his chest.

"The Muffin Man?" Mayumi squeaked, her eyes lighting up. "WHERE?! I MUST HAVE HIS AUTOGRAPH!!"

The man could now be recognized as none other than Hiei, his giant hotdog-shaped had sitting squarely atop his head. Black war paint, smeared beneath his already sinister eyes, gave his face a zombie-like quality.

"Congratulations on being selected for an opportunity of receiving a chance to possibly earn a spot within the organized organization known as the TPHC," Yoko Kurama stated, stepping from behind a parked, pink minivan and striding closer to the hoard of girls.

At the sound of the kitsune's voice, the aforementioned purple-haired girl's ears perked up. For reasons obvious to the general public, the thin, and somewhat transparent toga draped around his lean body was a pretty big statement, and managed to catch her attention _quite_ quickly. However, Hiei's voice cut in, bringing her abruptly back to reality.

"What?"

"I _said_ 'this initiation will not be a walk in the park.' It will require intense concentration, cold determination, an iron will –"

"– rubber underwear..."

"... And have it known; everyone may not make it out _alive._ And if there are any objections to this, make them now, or forever hold your pee."

"Peace, Hiei, _peace_," Kurama muttered, shaking his head.

"This is no time for poetry from some old, dead European guy! This is time for action! This is time for adventure!"

"Is it time for a nap yet?" a girl of angelic origin asked, stretching. "It's still early..."

"SLEEP WHEN YOU'RE DEAD, NOT ON MY TIME!" Hiei commanded, his hand instinctively going to the sheath of his katana. "LEST YOU LOOK UPON DEATH BY PICKLING, TO WHICH I READY STAND, ABLE PART THEE WITH THY TOILET!"

"Who's quoting old European farts now?" Marori grumbled from atop her seat on a large, blue mailbox. Her mood had grown steadily worse in the past few hours, due to the fact that upon awakening, she discovered Yoko Kurama, modeling her clothes on a catwalk made completely of old newspapers and crusty mustard...

"What if we don't _want _to follow your rules?!" came a vehement cry from Ame, as she pulled a plunger from thin air. "STAND BACK! I'VE GOT A PLUNGER, AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT!"

On impulse, the wolf demon grabbed Mayumi, holding the plunger to her throat. "DON'T MAKE ME DO IT! I WILL! JUST ONE STEP AND I'LL DO IT!"

"She's not lying!" the human girl cried, apparently trying to hold her breath. "It smells like it's got mold on it!"

"That's only because grandma needed a foot massage, and I didn't want it to devour my hand alive!"

"You don't want to do it, Ame!" Neko-chan cried, falling to her knees before the winged creature. "GOOSECACA!"

At that, she paused to look at her cat-like companion, tears welling up in her teal eyes. "G-goosecaca?"

"Remember? The Eskimo word for... goose poop... but still! Don't do it! You both have so much more to live for!"

"Do it for the horseflies!" Trinity cried aloud, her hands clasped together in desperation.

"The h-h-horseflies?"

Giving it a moment of thought, Ame slowly released her hostage, setting the plunger on the ground before her. "I can't do it... I can't hurt my half step thrice removed evil twin's reflection in law!"

"What does that make her to you...?"

"Nothing... but it's still a cool title, isn't it? ISN'T IT?!"

"What a soap opera this is turning out to be," Raven remarked, sighing and brushing a few strands of hair out of her eyes.

"What a load of –"

"Hiei!"

_Smack._

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**Chapter Note: **Decided to cut this one off here, since it was getting pretty long, I think. How did you like it? Was it random enough for your liking?

I'm planning to post the next chapter MUCH sooner this time, I promise! I've been really busy with projects for school, and am FINALLY getting a little bit of a break!

Thanks everyone for reading this installment of the TPHC, and check back next time to see what hilarity awaits the applicants of the Toilet Paper Hater's Club!

Yu Yu Hakusho © Yoshihiro Togashi

TPHC © Kawaii Youko


	4. Of Complaints and Cheddar Restraints

**Disclaimer:** Obviously I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho, which means I don't own Yoko Kurama, Hiei, Makai, furbies, toilet paper of any kind, cars (though I'd like one!), any brand name of cheese, muzzles, straight jackets, restraints of any type, the "Muffin Man", wedding rings, sweet snow, European people, rhymes, poetry, the saying "my precious", things associated with catch-phrases, anything related to any movie, guns loaded with frozen milk duds, Alka-Seltzers (expired or other), streets, themes of suicide by cliff-jumping, spit-wads, evil children or anything else that actually has an owner! I **do** however lay claim to the TPHC, Jim the Coconut, the Coconian language, the parody song "Hiei the Sailor Man", the 'Dust Bunnies of Impending Doom', sadly, I created Wipey, the golden toilet paper god, Snotski (don't ask, just read) and Marori. All characters mentioned within the TPHC are of fictional origin.

**Author's Note: **Fabulous! Thank you everyone for all of your positive reviews for the last chapter!

A special thanks goes out to random cat-girl, Yu Yu Hakusholover, Miyu6, Portal-girl, Chrystaline and Lady Lunara for being so diligent in their reviewing! Thanks you guys for all the support you've given!

Now, ladies and gents, on to the next chapter of the TPHC!

**Chapter IV: Of Complaints and Cheddar Restraints**

"WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!"

"You swore," Neko-chan growled, her small hand poised as if to strike a second time. "So you got slapped! Shame! SHAME!"

All around, the group could see the tensions between to two equally stubborn creatures flaring up dangerously. The short feline's orange and black-tipped ears were flattened against her head as she sent Hiei the all mighty glare of kitty doom.

"DARE YOU DEFY HIEI, RULER OF THE DUST BUNNIES OF IMPENDING DOOM?! DO YOU GO AGAINST MY EVIL, FLUFFY WILL?!"

"Well, you _did_ say a swear word, you know," Marori pointed out from her seat atop the mailbox.

"DO YOU GO AGAINST MY DIVINE WILL AS WELL, HUMAN?" the koorime shouted, his hand springing to his katana, and drawing it half way out of its sheath.

"Even if she doesn't, I shall!" came a resounding cry from Ame, who advanced a pace towards Hiei.

"Get _back_ in line."

With a defiant smirk and toss of her purple hair, the wolf-demon placed her hands on her hips. The others watched silently, almost to the point of awe, as the haughty girl stood her ground.

"What are you waiting for, woman?! A formal invitation?! GET BACK IN LINE!" Hiei commanded, the apex of his katana just centimeters from the tip of her nose.

"Ugly sexist pig."

"WHAT WAS THAT, YOU UNGRATEFUL WENCH?!"

"U-G-L-Y S-E-X-I-S-T P-I-G."

"Don't spell in front of him… it confuses his _limited _mind," Mayumi warned with a daring grin.

"HAGS! ALL OF YOU! A BUNCH OF UNGRATEFUL, SELFISH WENCHES, THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE!"

Along with those biting words, there was a barrage of frothy green slobber flying in all directions, due to the disgusting and rather disturbing fact that Hiei seemed to be foaming at the mouth. Yoko Kurama shook his head in disdain, praying desperately that his companion had simply ingested an extremely expired Alka-Seltzer tablet.

"We don't have to take _this_!" Raven shouted, raising a randomly appearing pitch for high into the air. "Let's get him girls!"

Acting as one PMS-pumped unit, the girls, minus Marori, quickly pounced upon the short youkaii. Amongst the shouting and arguing, there were several shrill screams from Hiei, as he did all he could to escape from the enraged posse of creatures closely resembling a herd of mad cows. After several thrilling moments of struggling and snarling on the part of the captured, the girls managed to successfully bind his limbs with the strongest substance known to man – _DUCT TAPE! _Aside from the duct tape bondage, Hiei had been squeezed into an XXS straight jacket, and as an added precaution, a muzzle made entirely ofcheddar cheese was fitted snugly over his mouth.

"That should do it," Raven proclaimed, wiping her hands off on her pants.

"THE DUST BUNNIES SHALL AVENGE ME! THEY SHALL RISE UP IN A FUZZY PINK UPROAR AGAINST THOSE WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN THE MIGHT OF CARPET FLUFF!"

"Right," Trinity muttered sarcastically, rolling her eyes. "And I'm Snotski, King of the Sickness Elves."

Jolting at the sound of the name, Neko-chan fell to her knees, groveling before the thin, female kitsune. "Master! I've found you, Master!"

"Now that's just creepy…" Marori stated, looking up from her 'work', which consisted of a number of sketches of a blonde bishounen in wonderfully tight leather clothing.

"HOW DARE YOU ASSUME YOU CAN CONTROL ME WITH A BRICK OF SMELLY, FESTERING CHEESE?! IT TAKES MORE THAN THAT TO SUBDUE **THE** **BEAST** THAT IS I!"

"Hiei, look what I've got," Kurama coaxed, holding out a large tub of sherbert ice cream he'd pulled from within his translucent toga. "Nice, delicious sherbert…"

"SWEET SNOW!" the detainee cried aloud, springing from his position in a worm-like motion, bounding towards the tub of ice cream. Within an instant, Hiei had bowled over his much larger counterpart, and knocked the sugary substance from his hands.

Seizing the moment of utter mayhem, Trinity managed to snatch up a digital camera, and being the _"gifted"_ photographer that she was, was able to take several astounding pictures of her index finger. "Perfect angle! Ooooh! Work it baby!"

"SWEET SNOW, YOU'RE MINE!" And with that, Hiei chewed off his muzzle, and dove face first into the sweet dessert. During which, he managed to smear splotches of orange all over his face, into his eyebrows, and even in his jet-black hair. "I'M HIEI THE SAILOR MAN! I LIVE IN A GARBAGE CAN! I'M TOUGH AND I'M MEAN, I'LL STEAL YOUR ICE CREAM, I'M HIEI THE SAILOR MAN!"

Shaking her head, Marori let out a long, drawn out sigh. "And to think, I'M the one who was in the looney bin…"

A random postal guy coming to pickup the mail blinked as he reached mailbox 23½. The dilemma? A brunette girl sitting atop it had managed in blocking the hatch. "Excuse me? Can I just get past you, ma'am?"

"_Get past me?"_

"Yes, you know, could you please move your legs? They're in my way…"

"HOW DARE YOU?! SWINE!" the teen shouted at the top of her lungs for all of Main and Delano to hear. "PERVERT! ABUSE!"

"A-abuse?"

"ASSAULT! HELP ME!"

With those last, strident words, the mailman made a break for his truck, but was unable to make it very far. Latched onto his already shredded blue shorts, was Neko-chan, grinning at the fact that the whole street could now see his pink and purple heart boxers…

Meanwhile, across town, in the Wondrous Wipes toilet paper factory, two maniacal employees snuck into the ladies room. Using stealth and cat-like grace, the two men managed to get past Debra, a rather large woman who'd been occupying stall number 3 for two hours. Pushing back a panel in the last stall, they entered a secret room, unknown to any other people in the factory. Descending down the stairs, the two men gawked at what stood before them.

"Is the secret weapon ready?" Dane whispered, holding up a small flashlight.

"It's perfect," replied Bob, holding up a seemingly regular roll of two-ply toilet paper. "The double roll is ready!"

Bursting into insane laughter, the men grined evilly and turned to face the back wall.

"With this, we shall defeat the TPHC and the 'Dust Bunnies of Impending Doom'!"

"ALL HAIL WIPEY!" they both shouted, falling to their knees immediately before a ten foot tall golden replica of a roll of toilet paper…

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**Chapter Note: **Hah! Yet another chapter for you all to enjoy! Thanks for reading.

Also, I advise everyone to visit my dear friend Chrystaline's web comic/manga "The Purest Thing"! The art work is beautiful, and the plot (what little we know thus far) is wonderful! Check out her profile and read more about it!

Until next time, adieu! And don't forget to review!

Yu Yu Hakusho © Yoshihiro Togashi

The Toilet Paper Hater's Club © Kawaii Youko


	5. Don't Crack Your Coconut!

**Disclaimer: **As always, here's the irksome disclaimer we're forced to write by unknown entities. I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho, meaning I don't own the characters Yoko Kurama, or Hiei. Neither do I own toilet paper of any kind, things related to Makai, furbies, cars, any type or brand of cheese, restraints, straight jackets, duct tape, muzzles, European people, wedding rings, rhymes, poetry, the saying 'my Precious', catch phrases, movie related things, guns loaded with frozen milk duds, school spirit songs, Alka-Seltzers (expired or otherwise), streets, cars, drunken idiots, themes of suicide via cliff jumping, spit-wads, evil children, or anything else that actually has an existing owner! I **DO** however lay claim to the TPHC (Toilet Paper Hater's Club), IHON (International House of Nuts), Jim the Coconut, the Coconian language, Marori, the parody song "Hiei the Sailor Man", 'Dust Bunnies of Impending Doom', the art of 'ducttapeography', Wipey the golden toilet paper god, and Snotski (King of Sickness Elves). All characters mentioned within the "Toilet Paper Hater's Club" are of fictional origin.

**Author's Note: **So many reviews! Thank you to everyone who left me a comment on the last chapter, 'Of Complaints and Cheddar Restraints'. I had a lot of trouble with posting that one, due to the fact that errors kept just popping up before me (I'm sure I missed some still), and thank you to random cat-girl for noticing and telling me of one error regarding Neko-chan. Again, I love all of my wonderful reviewers, and wish everyone a Merry Saint Patrick-Achoo-Newt Day (holiday of the Sickness Elves, no less).

On to the next fun-filled chapter of the TPHC!

**Chapter V: Don't Crack Your Coconut!**

With the mailman terrorized to the point of girlish sobbing, and Hiei freed from his bindings on account of "good" behaviour, as well as numerous calmly stated death threats, things were slowly returning to normal. Traffic on the two busy streets had increased, seeing as 'rush hour' was upon the city. Cars zoomed by, speeding no doubt, many of them nearly able to cause one of the girls to become airborne by simply passing.

"Your initiations will begin now!" Yoko Kurama shouted over the noise, gesturing towards the street. "This is the most dangerous and difficult part of your admittance!"

At the puzzled and frightened looks on the girls' faces, Hiei smirked. "All of this must be done, without being hit by one of the many cars flying by."

"THEY HAVE FLYING CARS NOW?!" Mayumi shrieked, glancing around frantically for these vehicles carried on the wind...

"It's an expression, idiot," Ame muttered, failing to stifle her giggle fit.

"What you must do," the toga-clad bishounen stated, "is run out into the street, holding a baton of papery doom high above your head and chant 'WE HATE TOILET PAPER! YES WE DO! WE HATE TOILET PAPER! HOW ABOUT YOU?!'."

"Assuming you survive this ordeal, you will be made a ranking member of the TPHC. On behalf of the organization, Jim has volunteered to demonstrate how this should look."

Jim, who was formally introduced formerly as the club historian, and very _sexy_ coconut, sat on the ground in complete silence. The shades on his 'face' were tilted at a jaunty angle, giving the furry fruit a suave, debonair appearance.

"God speed Jim!" Jade called out, her delicate angel wings fluttering in the wind.

"WE LOVE YOU JIM!" Neko-chan and Mayumi cried in unison, their hands clasped together, tears filling their abnormally large eyes.

With that, the beloved coconut was rolled into the middle of the street, along with a flaming roll of toilet paper, mounted on a stick. Several cars whiz by, oblivious to the small coconut, until the _unthinkable_ occurred…

One of the cars, a large mauve minivan, swerved sharply, but not in time. There was a loud, resounding screech, and then a _crack_, as the car slowed to a halt. Out of the driver-side door, a man stumbled, apparently highly intoxicated. His clothes were in disarray, his hair, or at least the desperate attempt at a comb-over to hide a rather large bald spot, was messy, and his eyes were terribly blood-shot.

"JIMMMMMM!"

"Oh no! What have I done?!" the drunken man sobbed out, stooping to his dirty knees, hands clutched over his ears. Before him, lay the fallen coconut, cloven in two. The shades had broken at the bridge of the nose, and the splintered pieces were scattered about Jim's battered body.

"NINGEN! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!!" bellowed Hiei, rushing into the street with his katana drawn. "YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS INJUSTICE!"

"I-I didn't mean to!"

"YOU'VE RUN DOWN THIS POOR, DEFENSELESS COCONUT IN COLD BLOOD!"

"Honestly! It w-was an a-accident! I swear!"

"Don't play mind games with me, pathetic human!" the koorime shouted, spit flying from his mouth and landing on the man's bald spot. "Your intent was to _kill!_ _MURDERER!_"

"I didn't mean to hurt anyone!" the pitiful creature cried, getting to his feet, backing away from Hiei.

"You shall pay for Jim's life with yours! REPENT AND DIE!"

And with those words, the drunken loser's back met with a rail of the overpass. His hand groped the cold steel, as his eyes darted over the edge, then back to the threat looming before him. Hiei's eyes shone maliciously as he advanced towards the man, katana posed to deliver a blow. Deciding to bare the lesser of the two evils, he climbed onto the rail, and with a shriek, fell from the ledge to his doom.

Reaching the brink, the raven-haired demon peered over the shoulder guard and smirked malevolently. A shrill, cruel laugh escaped as he sheathed his katana. "The pitiful fool!"

Slowly, the youkaii's eyes fell on the girls' faces, and his expression softened. He bent down where Jim laid, carefully scooping up the two halves. Cradling Jim's body close, tears filled his maroon eyes. "Speak to me…"

Attempting to put the pieces back together proved utterly hopeless, as Hiei sat in the middle of the street. "SPEAK TO ME, JIM!"

All of the girls, as well as Yoko Kurama, watched sadly, sniffling. Suddenly, however, Mayumi lunged forward, addressing her fellow… creatures. "Hey! I've got an idea! Anyone got some duct tape?!"

"Yeah, I've got some," Raven volunteered, pulling a roll of silver tape from her shirt… "What? AT LEAST I'M PREPARED IN CASE OF JUST SUCH AN EMERGENCY!"

"… You were expecting this to happen?" Marori questioned, raising her right eyebrow.

"You _knew_ Jim was going to get hurt, didn't you?!" Neko-chan exclaimed, pointing an accusing finger at Raven. "YOU WERE CONSPIRING AGAINST THE SEXY COCONUT, WEREN'T YOU?!"

"Nope, but I figured that a group of giggling morons was bound to have _some_ type of calamity occur. It seems my instinct was once again correct… and weren't you about to do something with that tape?"

Snapping back to reality, the somewhat spacey human darted out into the street, and to Hiei's side.

"I'm trained in the art of ducttapeography! Stand back! I need some space!" she commanded, picking up Jim's remains and turning her back to the group.

After several minutes of tense silence, aside from Mayumi's comments on her method for restoration of Jim's being. Eventually, the scarlet-haired girl turned towards the gaggle of girls, her eyes cast downwards.

"Is he going to make it?" Yoko Kurama inquired, chewing nervously on his long fingernails.

Glancing up at the others, Mayumi raised her hands above her head, clutching the coconut. "HE'S ALIVE!"

True, Jim had managed to survive the accident, but his image was slightly different now. Silver duct tape covered all but a few brown spots, and his sunglasses now sat askew on his 'face'. Nonetheless, it was still the same, sensual Jim.

"He's okay!" the lean male kitsune shouted, rushing forward as if to embrace the girl. "You've saved him!"

Backing away slowly, she let out a nervous laugh. "It's nothing really! You don't have to hug me or anything, you know…"

"Poppycock!" he stated, drawing her into the embrace of suffocation **_and_** cuteness. "I love you, man!"

Eyes watering up, Trinity watched Yoko Kurama hug a blue faced Mayumi, her feet dangling as he swung her about in the embrace. "That's the cutest thing I've ever seen…"

Hiei gave a hoarse cough, calling attention back to him. "So… who's going first?"

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**Chapter Note: **You see? A SPEEDY UPDATE! BOW DOWN BEFORE ME! Or… just leave me a review!

Everyone enjoy this chapter? Hope everyone felt for poor Jim… I know I did! But this teaches a moral! Don't drink, drive and hit coconuts. It leads to suicide. Yeah… that's it.

Until next time, may all of your socks be happy ones!

Yu Yu Hakusho © Yoshihiro Togashi

The Toilet Paper Hater's Club © Kawaii Youko


	6. An Oscar Mayer Field Day!

**Disclaimer: **Again, here's the irksome disclaimer we're forced to write by unknown entities. I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho, meaning I don't own the characters Yoko Kurama, or Hiei. Neither do I own toilet paper of any kind, things related to Makai, furbies, cars, any type or brand of cheese, restraints, straight jackets, duct tape, muzzles, European people, wedding rings, rhymes, poetry, the saying 'my Precious', catch phrases, movie related things, guns loaded with frozen milk duds, school spirit songs, Alka-Seltzers (expired or otherwise), streets, cars, drunken idiots, themes of suicide via cliff jumping, spit-wads, evil children, the official Oscar Mayer mobile, potato peelers, kitchen cutlery, can openers, helium filled hotdogs, regular hotdogs, mustard, smelly socks or anything else that actually has an existing owner! I **DO** however lay claim to the TPHC (Toilet Paper Hater's Club), IHON (International House of Nuts), Jim the Coconut, the Coconian language, Marori, the parody song "Hiei the Sailor Man", 'Dust Bunnies of Impending Doom', the art of 'ducttapeography', Wipey the golden toilet paper god, 'flaming batons of papery doom', Kudzu (the Magical Leprechaun of 'Oof') and Snotski (King of Sickness Elves). All characters mentioned within the "Toilet Paper Hater's Club" are of fictional origin.

**Author's Note: **Yes! Another chapter! You know what though? The longer and/or more reviews I get, the faster I tend to update! Get the hint, people? Thanks to everyone who did leave me reviews – you guys rock.

Everyone enjoy the last chapter? I had a bit of fun writing it, actually. I'm hoping you all like this new one as well! On to what you've all been waiting for!

**Chapter VI: An Oscar Mayer Field Day!**

"Are there any takers?"

Never before had the use of a potato peeler been called into question; it was more than obvious to _everyone_ that it was for committing the _poke of irksome doom_! Smirking maliciously, Mayumi withdrew one of the handy devices from her pocket, passing it along to Ame. The purple-haired demon glanced from the human's grinning face to her feline companion, Neko-chan. Without a second thought, she gave in to the temptation...

"YEE!" the orange tabby shrieked, lunging forward.

"Seems we have a winner," Hiei calmly stated, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

"... Huh?"

Ignoring the girl's confusion, Yoko Kurama thrust a 'flaming baton of papery doom', which consisted of a stick and a roll of blazing toilet paper, into her unusually small hands. For a few seconds, Neko-chan watched the fire singe the cursed hygiene product with a slightly deranged grin.

"You know what you must do," the lean kitsune whispered into her striped ear, gripping her shoulders. "Go get 'em!"

Squaring her shoulders and clearing her throat loudly, the "valiant" warrior stepped into the street, waving the baton high above her head, a two foot strip of toilet paper trailing from her combat boot. "WE HATE TOILET PAPER! YES WE DO! WE HATE TOILET PAP – "

However, by a cruel twist of fate, at that very moment, the Oscar Mayer Wiener Mobile sped onto the road, heading straight for the helpless cat!

"Watch out!"

The vehicle showed no signs of slowing, as Neko-chan made a desperate dash for the sidewalk...

"She's not going to make it!" Trinity cried, covering her eyes with her hands.

With those words, Marori jumped off of the blue mailbox. "I CAN'T WATCH!" she shouted, pulling the hatch open, and shoving her head inside...

"Run Neko-chan, RUN!"

As if everything were in super slow-motion, the horrified group watched as the giant vehicle made a sharp swerve, and doing so, came crashing down onto its side, leaving the frightened cat unscathed. She hopped onto the curb, panting heavily and stared into the street.

Raven, who had remained silent throughout the ordeal, smiled insanely at the sight of the fallen wiener mobile. "FREE HOTDOGS!"

Clicking his heels together and saluting the short female, he proclaimed "Grand idea!"

And it was with unhinged, disturbingly greedy smiles that the adrenaline-powered group approached the overturned automobile. Hiei, who somehow, in the frenzy of things had lost his magnificent hat, pulled a wooden _spork_ from his boot. Leaping into the air in a way only animated characters could, he pounced upon the giant rubber float attached to the top, beginning to rip it to shreds before their eyes.

"Uh, Hiei?" our favourite toga-clad kitsune questioned, a rather large drop of sweat rolling down his cheek.

"WHAT?!" the rabid demon snarled, looking at his companion, strips of the torn material dangling from his mouth.

"That's just a _rubber_ replica; the real hotdogs are inside..."

Pondering quietly for a few seconds, the 'ruler' of the Impending Dust Bunnies of Doom shrugged his narrow shoulders. "This one will do nicely." That having been clarified, he once again began tearing into the hotdog float.

"Now look what you've started!" exclaimed Jade, massaging her temple. "Hiei will be high on helium, and I'm sure nobody needs that!"

"WHAT?! AHHH! MY VOICE!"

In light of the fact that Hiei's teeth had punctured the chewy exterior of the giant hotdog, helium had been flooding into his already disturbed system, resulting in a terribly high pitched voice. At this, Neko-chan burst out laughing, falling to her knees, gripping her sides.

"ARE YOU MOCKING _ME?_ DARE YOU POKE FUN AT _HIEI_, RULER OF ALL?!"

"Y-your voice is s-s-so f-funny!" she cried, howling with laughter.

With an abnormally shrill war cry, the vertically challenged koorime leapt at Neko-chan, however, he was knocked out of the air by a large, frozen milk dud. Blowing the smoke from the tip of her gun, Raven smirked, reloading the innovative weapon. Taking the opportunity in which Hiei was fairly helpless, the group of girls managed to fit him into a state-of-the-art straight jacket, constructed entirely of silver duct tape. Growing tired of the demon's incessant babbling of death threats; Ame withdrew a small black bag from her pocket.

"What's that?" Mayumi inquired, pointing to the mysterious bag.

"The secret weapon..."

A cruel smile in place, the purple-haired demon pulled a seemingly harmless sock from the bag, though, after a few seconds, everyone had retreated to a safe distance of about ten feet. She shoved the sock into Hiei's mouth, watching him gag on the fetid article. Once the sock was securely in place, the youkaii was as docile as a lamb – well, as any half suffocated lamb, at any rate.

Wiping the sweat from her brow, Mayumi let out a sigh of relief. "Well, that was almost impossible!"

"T-THIS IS F-FOUL B-BEYOND B-BELIEF!"

"You wouldn't shut up!" Ame snarled at Hiei, her eyes narrowed to dangerous slits.

"IT'S C-CRUEL AND UNUSUAL P-P-PUNISHMENT!"

"So goes the justice system..."

Implying his patented death glare of spooty-wooty doom, he turned his gaze to his silver-haired companion. "K-KURAMA! WILL Y-YOU H-H-HELP ME?!"

Through a mouth-full of frozen hotdogs, Yoko Kurama refused to help and returned his attention to the icy pieces of meat.

"J-JIM?!"

As expected, Jim remained absolutely silent.

"THEY H-HAVE ALL R-RALLIED AGAINST M-M-ME!"

Raven, who had amidst the arguing taken to embracing Hiei, let out an evil snicker that could strike fear into the hearts of even the most ferocious leprechauns. "YEP!"

"... How _exactly_ would that be against him?" Trinity asked, a gigantic bead of sweat running down her face.

"Well, he's not _enjoying_ it; so technically, it's classified as a punishment!"

At that, there was a collective shout of 'gyah!', and several people toppled to the ground, a single foot twitching in the air...

Standing and brushing himself off, Yoko Kurama addressed everyone in a rather official sounding voice. "Since Neko-chan has completed her task without getting hit by a car –"

"– and got us free hotdogs!"

"She is hereby admitted to the Toilet Paper Hater's Club!"

Neko-chan clasped her hands together, her eyes shining with tears as she kneeled down on one knee. "I'm... so honoured!"

"Let's go for ice cream, to celebrate!"

After a unanimous decision to raid the local ice cream parlor, they walked off, somehow feeling as if they'd forgotten something...

"HELLO?! YOU GUYS! I'VE STILL GOT MY HEAD STUCK IN THIS BLOODY MAILBOX! AUGH!"

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**Chapter Note:** Fitting ending, no?

Thanks to everyone who's been reading this story of mine! The support from you guys has been just absolutely awesome! Now, it's time for you all to click that little button that says "Submit Review" and leave me what you think! Lots of reviews mean lots of updates!

Happy Holidays!

Yu Yu Hakusho © Yoshihiro Togashi

The Toilet Paper Hater's Club © Kawaii Youko


	7. A Most Indecent Proposal

**Disclaimer:** Well, here's another irksome disclaimer we writers are forced to state by unknown entities. I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho, meaning I don't own the characters Yoko Kurama, or Hiei. Neither do I own toilet paper of any kind, things related to Makai, furbies, cars, any type or brand of cheese, restraints, straight jackets, duct tape, muzzles, European people, wedding rings, rhymes, poetry, the saying 'my Precious', catch phrases, movie related things, guns loaded with frozen milk duds, school spirit songs, Alka-Seltzers (expired or otherwise), streets, cars, drunken idiots, 'lovey dovey' music, themes of suicide via cliff jumping, spit-wads, evil children, the official Oscar Mayer mobile, potato peelers, kitchen cutlery, can openers, helium filled hotdogs, pixie sticks, candies of any kind, regular hotdogs, mustard, smelly socks, any brand of fireworks, chopsticks, vegetable oil or anything else that actually has an existing owner! I **DO** however lay claim to the TPHC (Toilet Paper Hater's Club), IHON (International House of Nuts), Jim the Coconut, the Coconian language, Marori, the parody song "Hiei the Sailor Man", 'Dust Bunnies of Impending Doom', the art of 'ducttapeography', Wipey the golden toilet paper god, 'flaming batons of papery doom', Kudzu (the Magical Leprechaun of 'Oof') and Snotski (King of Sickness Elves). All characters mentioned within the "Toilet Paper Hater's Club" are of fictional origin.

**Author's Note: **So many reviews so quickly! A super special thanks goes out to Electra, who left a number of wonderful comments on the last chapter "An Oscar Mayer Field Day!". Chica, you rock. Also, thanks to Chibi Leelee Milo, Chrystaline, Yu Yu Hakusholover and Baku for their speedy reviews!

Now, on to the main event!

**Chapter VII: A Most Indecent Proposal**

Sometimes, trying to help someone is not the best idea in the world, even when it stems from the best intentions. Neither, the group of demons was coming to realize, was attempting to extract someone's head from a mailbox using a pair of chopsticks, three quarts of vegetable oil and a few handfuls of black-cat fireworks...

"Guys, seriously, you don't have to do this! I _like _my head in the mailbox, really!"

"Who's got a lighter? I left mine in the fish tank..."

"L-lighter? WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE?!"

"_Step One: In order to properly extract one's cerebral cortex from a postal unit, it is important to first grease up the appendage, as to prevent its severance… _Okay, skip that, it doesn't sound too important. What's next?"

There was a hurried flipping of pages as Ame consulted a small yellow book entitled **_"So, Your Friend Has Their Head Stuck in a Mailbox and You Value Your Friendship Enough to Keep it Intact"_.** Glancing at the page, she began reading aloud. "Single white male, seeking companion, must be over the age of 253, and preferably, with a infatuation for scrubbing toilets and making passionate lov –"

"GIVE ME THAT!" Hiei shouted over her voice, quickly snatching a newspaper that had _conveniently _made its way into that particular chapter of the book.

"A Personals Ad!" squealed Jade, her wings fluttering excitedly at the prospect of a desperate demon searching for love – very odd love. "That's _so_ cute!"

Rolling her eyes at the youkaii, Ame returned to the book. "It says to place the fireworks around the head, making sure to intertwine the fuses..."

"I DON'T WANT MY HEAD OUT! JUST LEAVE ME HERE, I CAN EAT THE BAD FRUITCAKES PEOPLE SEND TO THEIR RELATIVES, AND RAISE MY CHILDREN TO LOVE AND RESPECT THE MIGHTY BLUE BOX! IT WILL BE JUST –"

"TAKE COVER, EVERYONE! SHE'S GONNA BLOW!"

As everyone ducked behind random objects – pedestrians, fire hydrants and even ant hills – Marori whimpered, silently praying that if she made it out alive, she would never watch documentaries about ostriches again...

The explosion itself was something to behold; it was louder than normal, due to the echoing caused by the metal walls of the mailbox, and there was a deafening wail as the brunette girl tumbled backwards.

"Victory! We've accomplished the impossible! And look, she's COMPLETELY unharmed!"

Recovering from the shock of being pitched from the confining structure, Marori frantically touched her face, pausing as she felt just above her eyes – where her eyebrows _used_ to be...

"It's a good look for you, really!" Raven assured her, nodding fervently, as if to encourage agreement from the others. "Right, Jim?"

There was, as always, silence from the furry fruit, currently stationed atop a discarded drinking cup, most likely thrown from the window of a car. Until suddenly, from a source unknown to the gang, the classical 'lovey dovey' music filled the air, hearts fluttering about. Why, you could almost see the love in Jim's non-existent eyes!

"What's that, Jim?" the Makaiian fox inquired, gazing down at the coconut.

Raven glanced from the duct taped sphere of sexiness to Yoko Kurama, an eyebrow raised ever so slightly. "Translation, please?"

Taking a stick from the ground, Hiei began prodding Jim. "Snap out of it, man!"

"Jim says nothing of Marori's eyebrows, but of your beauty, his words go on forever, like the sermons of the priests!" the kitsune cried, hoisting Jim up, leveling his 'eyes' with Raven's.

"WHAT?!"

"In fact, not only does he adore you – he wishes to make you his bride! He says he's loved you ever since he first laid eyes on you, preparing to steal the walker from a senile old lady!"

To those unfamiliar with the Coconian language, these words were simply perceived as a romantic silence.

"You've... got to be kidding me..."

Already prepared to defend his friend, to the death if necessary, Hiei unsheathed his katana, the tip going to Raven's throat. "Are you refusing him?!"

"No, no! I... I just don't think I can love a coconut..."

For a moment, there was a slightly awkward silence, until at last, Yoko Kurama got down on one knee, extending Jim towards the dark-haired girl. "Do you accept his proposal?"

"P-proposal?"

Nodding, the lean man pulled a small golden ring from Jim's duct taped backside, which, oddly enough, looked remarkably similar to a spray painted nut from the hardware store... "This is a token of Jim's undying affection," he stated, slipping the ring onto Raven's finger with a bit of difficulty.

"I don't know what to say! This is all so sudden!" After a moment, the demonic girl smiled, snatching up the coconut and smothering it in kisses. "I accept!"

Marori, having just then recovered from the shock of having her eyebrows singed off – not for the first time, sadly – looked at the pair of smooching, swooning creatures. "This has got to be the most disturbing thing I've seen in the entire ten minutes I've been out of the mailbox..."

On the other hand, however, Neko-chan, who'd always been the hopeless romantic of the group, sighed happily. "How romantic! He loves her, and she loves him! SO CUTE!"

Looking at her cat-like companion, the tall brunette gave a confused blink. "I don't know what you're taking chica, but whatever it is, it seems to be working."

"Taking? What do you mean?!" the feline growled. "You can't tell me you don't find this the _least_ bit sentimental and sweet!"

"Look, I just had myself thrown ten feet from a mailbox, lost my eyebrows, and now you're telling me how I should feel? Personally, I think true love can take a flying leap off a cliff without a bungee cord."

Trinity, who'd been surveying the scene in silence, let a small sigh escape. "This is going to be a mixed marriage if I ever saw one."

"Honestly," Ame muttered, "I'd be more concerned with what their KIDS are going to look like..."

But perhaps, the most disturbing part of the whole escapade was the fact that Hiei stood, transfixed, with his hands clasped together. "A coconut, finally finding true love..." he whispered, but soon dropped the act, returning to his sarcastic tone. "Makes me want to puke."

"So much for the notion that the ball of sarcasm being a sentimental fool underneath it all, huh?"

"Most definitely," Mayumi agreed, nodding her head.

In this moment, a rare event took place, which had not been witnessed in many years – Neko-chan had an idea! "I've got it! Let's have the wedding today! It's a beautiful day, and what better way to have the ceremony than in the park!"

"I think I might die of shock..."

"Why's that, Ame?" the green-eyed girl asked, attempting to hide her eyebrows – or lack there of – with strands of her bangs. "Our irrational friend actually had a normal thought?"

"No... that state laws would actually allow this!"

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**Chapter Note: **For some reason, I'm sure in SOME country or state somewhere, there isn't a law forbidding the marriage of a coconut and a demon... but then again, how many states recognize demons as more than a myth?

I hope everyone enjoyed the chapter! Now, you get to leave me some feedback on what you read! Thanks everyone for reading this chapter of the TPHC!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Yu Yu Hakusho © Yoshihiro Togashi

The Toilet Paper Hater's Club © Kawaii Youko


	8. Marriage for Bakas

**Disclaimer:** Well, here's another irksome disclaimer we writers are forced to state by unknown entities. How evil. I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho, meaning I don't own the characters Yoko Kurama, or Hiei. Neither do I own toilet paper of any kind, things related to Makai, furbies, cars, any type or brand of cheese, restraints, straight jackets, duct tape, muzzles, European people, wedding rings, rhymes, poetry, the saying 'my Precious', catch phrases, movie related things, guns loaded with frozen milk duds, school spirit songs, Alka-Seltzers (expired or otherwise), streets, cars, drunken idiots, 'lovey dovey' music, themes of suicide via cliff jumping, spit-wads, evil children, the official Oscar Mayer mobile, potato peelers, kitchen cutlery, can openers, helium filled hotdogs, pixie sticks, candies of any kind, regular hotdogs, garden gnomes, fire hydrants, pedestrians, priests, hardware stores, mustard, smelly socks, any brand of fireworks, chopsticks, vegetable oil or anything else that actually has an existing owner! I **DO** however lay claim to the TPHC (Toilet Paper Hater's Club), IHON (International House of Nuts), Jim the Coconut, the Coconian language, Marori, the parody song "Hiei the Sailor Man", 'Dust Bunnies of Impending Doom', the art of 'ducttapeography', Wipey the golden toilet paper god, "Marriage for Bakas" book, 'flaming batons of papery doom', Kudzu (the Magical Leprechaun of 'Oof') and Snotski (King of Sickness Elves). All characters mentioned within the "Toilet Paper Hater's Club" are of fictional origin.

**Author's Note: **I haven't updated since Christmas time, and I apologize. Really I do. I have been REALLY busy with school, art and other such things, but I'm trying to get a few updates in before the turn of the century...

So, for your viewing pleasure – er, reading – the next chapter of the TPHC!

**Chapter VIII: Marriage for Bakas**

There was never a more perfect day for such a momentous occasion; dead, withering pine needles littered the side-walk like uncooked vermicelli, as well as a pungent stench similar to that of malt vinegar and dog "leavings" hovering in the air. The guests, mainly consisting of seemingly _harmless_ bums and a large garden gnome nicknamed "Wrinkle-bottom", were taking their appointed seats amidst the ant hills and garbage cans. Along with the irksome chirping of birds and accursed children's' laughter, a kazoo's _mellifluous _tone fluttered through the air.

Atop one of the less than perfectly procured pokey-bushes resided what was perhaps the _shortest_ priest to ever be ordained by the Wholly Church of the Jebus Heist – a green and pink neon furby. Protruding from the top of his misshapen skull, defying the bothersome forces of gravity and logic, was an extremely flamboyant looking lime-green mohawk. Propped up before the vibrantly coloured creature was a yellow and black book, by the title of _Marriage for Bakas_, which was well renowned for its ability to allow everyday, or often, ill-advised citizens to perform make-shift marriages in their free time.

A dead hush fell over the mismatched crowd as the furby gave forth to an almighty snort, commanding the attention of all within earshot. Its electronically controlled eyes darted about, and then focused themselves on the text before him.

"We here today," the mechanical annoyance began, in its monotonous voice, "to join losers in holy mattress money!"

Neko-chan, who sat awkwardly at the foot of the "alter", which was little more than a flattened cardboard box, sniffled into a small handkerchief. "It's just all s-so beautiful!"

In honour of this blessed occasion, flaming batons of papery doom had been distributed to each of the guests, with the exception of "Randy the _Nice_ Bum", who sat off to the side, stroking an acorn affectionately. Once again, the kazoo's majestic sound rang out above the chattering, as everyone waited with bated breath for what was next.

After a few long, antagonizing seconds, a young demon by the alias of Sam hopped onto the cracked pavement, using only _one_ of her two available feet. Down the poorly trimmed isle she bounced along, her unnecessary foot poised regally in the air behind her. From her hands came a barrage of rotten limburger cheese, colliding with random pedestrians, hobos and the occasional low-flying bird.

"What in the name of all things sexy is she doing!" Marori gasped, watching as a particularly large and curdled piece of cheese landed just inches from her feet.

Looking at the brunette girl as though she'd just sprouted a squid from her pant leg, Neko-chan simply replied "fulfilling her duty as the 'Stinky Cheese Girl', stupid", and then returned to the ceremony at hand.

With an almighty belch to end electronically created belches, the furby brought an end to the "music", and the antics of the cheese pelting demon of doom. "Marriage I now perform onto these nuts!"

Raven, who was dressed in a stunning dress made completely of coke tabs and fishnet, gazed longingly into the "eyes" of her fiancée. "We're ready."

"Do you, Jim, take this walking recycle bin to be your waffly wetted wife?"

As expected, the enthralled husband-to-be remained silent, but the answer was clear in his roll to the right.

"And do you, Raven, take this furry ball of sexiness to be your waffly wetted hussy band?"

Clutching the coconut close to her bosom, she let out a shrill "I DO!".

"Then, by the powder invested in tea, I pronounce you hussy band and wife! You may slobber on the bride!"

As the last, annoyingly high pitched words escaped the mouth of the neon monstrosity, the lips of two of the most mismatched creatures met, a bouquet made of pom-poms and pipe cleaners sailing through the air. As the irony gods would have it, the flying flowers of ouch hit Hiei's face, knocking him unconscious.

To, in her deranged way, celebrate the newly-wed couple, Marori pulled several home-made flamethrowers from fat air, passing them out as party favours. Along with the neat little parting gifts, sake was distributed to all who were above the age of four.

In the end, the damages were extraordinarily high, and a neon furby was melted to the pavement.

**Chapter Note:** Yes! I have finished!

I hope everyone sincerely enjoyed this wonderfully chaotic wedding! To all who comment, I wish a happy sock, and to those who don't, I wish moldy plungers. Until next time, Youko, out!

Yu Yu Hakusho © Yoshihiro Togashi

The Toilet Paper Hater's Club © Kawaii Youko


	9. Welcome to IHON!

**Disclaimer:** Well, here's another irksome disclaimer we writers are forced to state by unknown entities. How evil. I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho, meaning I don't own the characters Yoko Kurama, or Hiei. Neither do I own toilet paper of any kind, things related to Makai, furbies, cars, any type or brand of cheese, restraints, straight jackets, duct tape, muzzles, European people, wedding rings, rhymes, poetry, the saying 'my Precious', catch phrases, movie related things, guns loaded with frozen milk duds, school spirit songs, Alka-Seltzers (expired or otherwise), streets, cars, drunken idiots, 'lovey dovey' music, themes of suicide via cliff jumping, spit-wads, evil children, the official Oscar Mayer mobile, potato peelers, kitchen cutlery, can openers, helium filled hotdogs, pixie sticks, candies of any kind, regular hotdogs, garden gnomes, fire hydrants, pedestrians, priests, hardware stores, mustard, smelly socks, any brand of fireworks, chopsticks, vegetable oil or anything else that actually has an existing owner! I **DO** however lay claim to the TPHC (Toilet Paper Hater's Club), IHON (International House of Nuts), Jim the Coconut, the Coconian language, Marori, the parody song "Hiei the Sailor Man", 'Dust Bunnies of Impending Doom', the art of 'ducttapeography', Wipey the golden toilet paper god, "Marriage for Bakas" book, 'flaming batons of papery doom', Kudzu (the Magical Leprechaun of 'Oof') and Snotski (King of Sickness Elves). All characters mentioned within the "Toilet Paper Hater's Club" are of fictional origin.

**Author's Note: **Thanks so much to everyone who's left reviews for this little story of mine! I'm delighted that you've all responded so well to the revisions and rewriting of this fanfic! You belly up to insanity with such _minimal_ prompting! Congratulations!

**Chapter IX: Welcome to IHON!**

After the fiasco of a wedding, and an excruciating two day hang-over, it was unanimously decided that it would be in everyone's best interests to go where they could all calm down and socialize with people _possibly_ more insane than themselves – a looney bin!

The building itself was something to behold; the exterior was stark white, save for various coloured pieces of bubble gum stuck to the walls. The perimeter was lined with rows upon rows of perfectly trimmed holly bushes, most likely used as a deterrent for those wishing to escape from the windows, were they able to fit through the steel bars. Jutting out above the arched entry leading to the automatic front doors, were four massive letters, painted in red; "IHON", the 'H' being slightly crooked, and the 'O' having provided a nesting ground for a murder of overly sinister crows.

"This place gives me the creeps," Jade murmured, pulling her feathery white wings close to her body, as a sort of "protection" from the evil the sanitarium most likely harboured.

With a flip of his sleek, silvery hair, Yoko Kurama offered his piece of mind to the anxious group. "So long as Jim maintains his Coconian composure, we have nothing to fear."

"So, we're reading the emotions of a _coconut_ in order to determine the impiety of this most unhallowed of grounds?"

"Yes, Miss Priss," came Hiei's snarl, "we're using a _coconut _to determine the impotency of this place. DO YOU CHALLENCE THE WRATH OF THE ALL KNOWING COCONUT! DO YOU, PUNK? DO YOU!"

"The word's IMPIETY, you wicked creature of darkness and impurity," the angelic being snapped in return. "Not impotency. _Impotency_ is where a guy can't -"

Before the next word of the already ill-fated sentence could escape the haughty girl, Trinity's hand found its way over Jade's mouth. "Young ears, dear. Young ears," she warned, indicating the blonde feline, who stood, utterly perplexed.

"HURRY UP, YOU GUYS! IT DOESN'T TAKE AN HOUR TO WALK 20 FEET!" Ame shouted, already standing at the black mat set before the self-opening doors. "WE HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY!"

Getting a running start, Neko-chan took a less than graceful leap onto the black mat, her face colliding with the glass door, then falling inside as the swooshed open.

"Way to slobber all over the door, numbskull," Raven muttered, stepping over the incapacitated cat, Jim cradled in her arms.

"Eew!" squealed Mayumi, pointing not at the drool-covered door, but at a previously unnoticed foe; the most heinous of creatures, THE COCKROACH! "KILL IT! TAKE OFF YOUR SHOE AND KILL IT!"

In one swift maneuver, Jade had pulled off one of her spotless, white sneakers, and her almighty foot of bug-killing doom came crashing down upon the vile creature with a loud _crunch._ "All gone!"

Marori, who had remained silent in the moments prior, stared at the tiny pile of bug guts that the mint-green haired girl was trying to wipe off of the bottom of her foot. "That is the most disgusting thing I have _ever_ witnessed."

"Worse than that night we spent on the floor of the gas station bathroom?" the tall kitsune asked, grimacing at the memory.

"Yes."

"Even _with_ the toilet spewing its contents as though Kudzu, the magical leprechaun of 'oof!', were on a tirade to end cleanliness in all public places?"

"Okay, so maybe not _that_ horrible, but it was still pretty bad!"

By this time, somehow, the whole group had managed to progress into the lobby of the asylum, and made their way towards the reception desk. Sitting there, was a woman in her late 30's, with a smile plastered to her rosy face, as well as a rather _large_ behind.

"Welcome to IHON," the woman greeted, her voice practically suffocating them with cheerfulness. "How may we help you today?"

Raising his hand above his head, Kurama dared to ask the question that had been on everyone's mind. "Ihon?"

"No, no, IHON. It's an acronym, dear."

"An acronym?" Hiei inquired sarcastically. "For what? Idiots Hyped On Narcotics?"

"No," the perky woman teased.

"Oh, oh, how about Irksome Hemorrhoids Occurring Needlessly?" suggested Neko-chan, who then paused momentarily. "Wait, Ame, what's a hemorrhoid?"

_Smack._

"HEY! WHAT WAS THAT FOR!"

"For bein' an idiot!"

"Then what, you insolent, blathering fool, does the blasted thing stand for?" growled the short, blasphemous youkaii, clenching his fists.

"Well, little one, it actually stands for International House Of Nuts, but you all had such good guesses!" the lady told him, ruffling the mass of black hair sitting atop his head.

"What... did you just... say?"

"Stands?"

"N-no."

"Little one?"

With those words, which wrung as insults in the ears of the vertically challenged demon, Hiei's hand instinctively made a reach for his katana, which rest securely at his hip. One quick stroke could have served in parting the wretched woman's head from her equally wretched body, had Yoko Kurama's hand not met his. Unable to avoid the warning glance cast by the taller demon, Hiei was quickly subdued.

Oblivious to the situation that had just occurred, her smile never having faded from her overly taut face, the desk attendant gestured towards a second automatic door. "Would you like to take a tour of our lovely facility?"

"Can we meet the, er, guests?" Trinity ventured, clasping her hands together in morbid delight.

"Call them what they are, hun. They're nutters, not _guests_... Now, let's move on, shall we?"

Taking to a quick gait, the group followed the woman down a long stretch of white, winding hallways, passing the occasional barred, padlocked door, or random flight of stairs. The corridors were an eerie quiet, with the silence only occasionally pierced by the vehement shouts of the inhabitants "visiting" there.

At last, they reached a set of doors, with the words "Anime Obsession Wards" printed in big, bold letters. They continued ambling along until they came to a junction, with one path leading to "Nuts in Ruts" (NR) and the other to Yu Yu Hakusho Hunters (YYH Hunters). Following like a flock of mindless sheep, with the baa-ing and the smell of the pasture (most likely being emitted from Hiei's "lucky" sweat socks), they took the second path.

"Well, here we are, lads and lasses; the YYH Hunters. These wards are perfectly suited to your interests," she added, with a disgustingly dewy smile. "On the right side, you'll find as follows: Kurama's Secret Garden, Yoko's Fox Den and Hiei's Hide-away. On your left, there's Koenma's Castle, Yusuke's Yard and Kazuma-Montezuma's Palace. These names were personally selected to be the most appropriate titles for the individual rooms. Please, take some time to visit each of them at your leisure. Thank you, and enjoy your stay at IHON!"

As the woman walked off, muttering various things under her breath, Mayumi studied each door, polling the group on which they should begin with.

There was an overly ecstatic shout from Raven, which seemed all too out of character for the mistress of darkness, who was currently jumping up and down, cradling newly wed Jim. "HIDE-AWAY! HIEI'S HIDE-AWAY!"

"Aren't you married?"

"So?" retorted the black haired female. "What does my being married to Jim have to do with wanting to check out Hiei's Hide-away?"

"Let's just go, you group of gangly gaggling geese," Hiei sneered, pushing the door open without even the slightest trace of hesitation.

"Well, maybe with a few drapes and some colourful potpourri... that is, if you're one of those fixer-upper types of people who have nothing better to do than stare at wall-paper samples and –"

Cutting off Marori, Yoko Kurama let out a wonderfully fruitilicious gasp of girlish delight. "And the black marble floor is enough to make Karasu green with envy!"

Silence, silence all around, with not a mind left undisturbed...

Hiei's Hide-away, to the casual observer, seemed similar to what you could expect to find within a black hole. The walls, painted a jet black, extended upward into complete shadow, at a height which seemed to amount to hundreds of feet. The spotless floor, which appeared to be an endless expanse of black tile, had been wiped perfectly clean. However, the thing that seemed more striking than the dismal appearance of the room, was a giant poster of Hiei on the wall opposite of them, where five girls, all dressed in black, sat.

Hiei obsessed Goths...

The girls all remained poised on their pale knees, hands clasped together, praying to the immortal, and often immoral image. The voices of the girls, all of which seemed to be monotone, rung out, echoing in the vast space surrounding them all. However, all at once, the voices ceased and one girl, who sat in the center of the semi circle of girls, rose to her combat-boot clad feet.

"Who has dared venture into the sacred realm of Hiei's Hide-away?" asked the girl, her unusually deep voice ricocheting off the walls, though, her back still remained to the group.

"Well, maybe if you'd stop acting like a frigid wench and turned around, you'd know who the hell it is," Hiei suggested snidely, crossing his arms before his chest.

"I would know that acerbic remark anywhere... It seems you've finally come, Hiei. For months now we've anticipated your much awaited arrival, oh Lord of the Black Flame."

"And who might you be, Miss 'I can't be bothered to look you in the face when you barge into my padded room'?"

"I am Kanu, your most devoted follower. And... your soon-to-be bride."

**--->Chapter Note: **And there you have it. The result of my rapidly dying, yet still disturbed brain. I finished this at one in the morning, so yeah. Interpret as you will.

Reviews are nice. And you're even nicer if you leave them for me.

Yu Yu Hakusho © Yoshihiro Togashi

"The Toilet Paper Hater's Club" © Kawaii Youko


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